I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
