her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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