On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
