life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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