I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
