Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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