Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
vagina is talking i cant
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
