i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
