Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
