I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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