Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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