Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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