Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
