ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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