dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
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I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
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I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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