Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
