direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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