Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
