Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
