Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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