I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
