I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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