why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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