Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
