I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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