I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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