Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think my moral compass just broke
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