The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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