Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
