I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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