I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
