Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
