Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
