I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
