he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
