false alarm. still invincible.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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