i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
