New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
