finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
