I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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