drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Randomize
