Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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