Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
