I wanna bring you to show and tell
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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