in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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