omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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