I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
