I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
