dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
