At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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