I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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