Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He shit in the fireplace
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
