All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
