I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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