i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
